Follow One Ridiculous Thing.
Everyone should have one ridiculous thing that they absolutely put their faith in. But this thing is not to look cool. In fact, it is the fundamental opposite of cool. It is not something that is shared with the casual acquaintance (but to the Good People you're doing Bad things with, it's hilarious). It is not something that you would advertise on a T shirt (although you can write it on your good underpants). But it is something that, deep in your heart, you believe with every fiber of your being.
I'm talking pop-psych mystical bullcrap like horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, fortune cookies, past lives, and the like. I fuckin' LOVE this shit. In particular, I read and diligently follow Rob Breszny's Free Will Astrology. As a Virgo, I'm supposed to be super rational and shit. And for the most part, I am. So reading Breszny's horoscopes gives me an outlet. Not to mention that these particular horoscopes are practically invitations to behave with good-hearted mayhem and funky mischief. Be my guest. Read a few of yours from the past few weeks and see how you may have acted differently, had you taken a horoscope to heart and just followed it.
Believing in the ridiculous accomplishes two very important goals: 1) that you can indulge your baser, funkier, slightly airier person by putting aside that more staid, rational person; and 2) that you can take the blame off yourself if things don't work out like you want them to. This, my friends, is amazing rockstar behavior. Indulge the fabulous, ignore the mundane, and never apologize for a bad time. It's just the way the universe worked itself out, man. Do the same next time and it could be a whole different outcome.
It worked for Led Zeppelin. They're the coolest motherfucking rock band of all time and they wrote songs about Hobbits, for fuck's sake.
With this, my sexies: a challenge. Have your palm read, get some tea leaves, read a horoscope or twelve. Take the best parts of them and internalize it. Allow yourself to be a little bit Jimmy Page and Robert Plant, with a dash of Stevie Nicks and Siouxie Sioux. Be a little mysterious - like all someone needs to do is ask you the right question and you'll divulge the secrets of the universe..if they're worthy, of course.
Go forth, sexies, and report back to me from the other side of the galaxy.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Lesson Two: On Indulgence and Making Merry
Do very bad things, with very good people.
Alright, sexies. Underpants on. We're going out.
One of the weirdest times in anyone's life is when you find yourself without a regular group of friends. I felt this way after I'd moved into my new neighborhood. I was living by myself in a one-bedroom apartment, and everyone else I had known, hung out with, and spent the majority of my time with all lived an hour away in Allston. Going out with them suddenly required a lot of planning, and staying in watching TV show after boring TV show was not my shot of bourbon, if you know what I mean. I had no one to just call up and say, "hey, I feel like grabbing a drink, want to go out?"
After indulging the old group for a while, planning for days, spending hours on the T and even more money on cab rides home, I decided to just get over myself and go out on my own. I started by going to a bar close to my house on an uncrowded off night, just to sit and drink a beer, write in a journal, hash out set design plans or otherwise just listen to the guy playing cover songs on an acoustic guitar. A few weeks into my regular "quiet" evening out, I got to chatting with the bartender, the door guy, the musicians, and the other folks who also spent their off nights out at the same bar. Very organically, over a little while, I had landed into a group of friends. A group of fun, downtown, late-night, funny, caring friends. With whom I still do very bad things. And even more good things, too.
It's good to have friends who want to do bad things with you. Everyone makes questionable decisions when they're out and about. That's what nights out are FOR. But having awesome people for terrible merry-making means that you'll keep an eye on each other, and will back you up if necessary. They'll put you in a cab if you need it. They'll order you another drink if you want it. They'll escort that asshole out if they're making you uncomfortable; but only after you give them the sign that it's gone too far. And they'll never tell you that what you did was wrong or talk shit about you later, because you were all in it together.
So: how do you find those people? It's easy: BE. NICE.
Yeah. Be nice. Be nice if there's a line outside the bar. Be nice if there's a cover at the door. Be nice when the bartender is harried and hasn't gotten to you yet. Be nice when you put down your tip. Be nice to the guy clearing your glass off the table. Be nice to the other regulars who want to chitchat about some sporting event or whatnot. Be nice to the dudes playing music for you five hours and getting a few bucks at the end of it. Be nice to that group of girls who are tipsy and dancing. Be nice to the guy who shouts out "CLOSING UP EVERYBODY FINISH UP AND GET OUT!" Because in a very short time, you'll find that the cover is waived, or that you get a hug and a wave in from the door guy instead of a spot at the end of the line, or that the bartender comped you a beer and other regulars bought your other ones, or that you get that tap on your shoulder and the bouncer says, "take your time, guys" as he's ushering everyone else out the door, and you get to hang with your very good people, once again, doing very bad things.
So, folks, Go Out and do Very Bad Things. But make sure you do them with Very Good People.
Alright, sexies. Underpants on. We're going out.
One of the weirdest times in anyone's life is when you find yourself without a regular group of friends. I felt this way after I'd moved into my new neighborhood. I was living by myself in a one-bedroom apartment, and everyone else I had known, hung out with, and spent the majority of my time with all lived an hour away in Allston. Going out with them suddenly required a lot of planning, and staying in watching TV show after boring TV show was not my shot of bourbon, if you know what I mean. I had no one to just call up and say, "hey, I feel like grabbing a drink, want to go out?"
After indulging the old group for a while, planning for days, spending hours on the T and even more money on cab rides home, I decided to just get over myself and go out on my own. I started by going to a bar close to my house on an uncrowded off night, just to sit and drink a beer, write in a journal, hash out set design plans or otherwise just listen to the guy playing cover songs on an acoustic guitar. A few weeks into my regular "quiet" evening out, I got to chatting with the bartender, the door guy, the musicians, and the other folks who also spent their off nights out at the same bar. Very organically, over a little while, I had landed into a group of friends. A group of fun, downtown, late-night, funny, caring friends. With whom I still do very bad things. And even more good things, too.
It's good to have friends who want to do bad things with you. Everyone makes questionable decisions when they're out and about. That's what nights out are FOR. But having awesome people for terrible merry-making means that you'll keep an eye on each other, and will back you up if necessary. They'll put you in a cab if you need it. They'll order you another drink if you want it. They'll escort that asshole out if they're making you uncomfortable; but only after you give them the sign that it's gone too far. And they'll never tell you that what you did was wrong or talk shit about you later, because you were all in it together.
So: how do you find those people? It's easy: BE. NICE.
Yeah. Be nice. Be nice if there's a line outside the bar. Be nice if there's a cover at the door. Be nice when the bartender is harried and hasn't gotten to you yet. Be nice when you put down your tip. Be nice to the guy clearing your glass off the table. Be nice to the other regulars who want to chitchat about some sporting event or whatnot. Be nice to the dudes playing music for you five hours and getting a few bucks at the end of it. Be nice to that group of girls who are tipsy and dancing. Be nice to the guy who shouts out "CLOSING UP EVERYBODY FINISH UP AND GET OUT!" Because in a very short time, you'll find that the cover is waived, or that you get a hug and a wave in from the door guy instead of a spot at the end of the line, or that the bartender comped you a beer and other regulars bought your other ones, or that you get that tap on your shoulder and the bouncer says, "take your time, guys" as he's ushering everyone else out the door, and you get to hang with your very good people, once again, doing very bad things.
So, folks, Go Out and do Very Bad Things. But make sure you do them with Very Good People.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Lesson One: On the Importance of Solid Foundations
Wear Good Underpants.
I know. Your mother always said to wear CLEAN underwear, in case you got into an accident. Sure, clean underpants are always a good idea, but if your only criteria for underpants is "clean", then we've got a long way to go. Underpants are foundation garments. And, thinking tangentially, one's foundation plays a big part in one's direction, stability, and ultimate longevity.
So, your underpants should be clean, well-made, and befitting of who you are. If you want to have a better, more confident exterior, you gotta start at the bottom. Literally.
1. Find out what type of underpants look good on you. Some people can rock the fuck out of a thong. Some make granny panties look amazing. We have tons of different underwear options because we all have different parts of us to fit. Personally, I'm a low-cut boyshort girl, due to my short torso and enormous booty. This is something I learned after I turned 30. Up until then, girlfriend here was trying hipsters and bikinis , which gave me ridiculous panty lines and tons of uncomfortable moments. I felt so crappy in those panties that I eventually just stopped and went commando. (hey, if commando's your thing, then sashay out with your vajay out, gurl).
2. Make sure your underpants FIT. I mean, how awesome can you be if you're picking out a wedgie, or tucking down the top elastic after they've ridden halfway up your back? Again, look at what your body looks like, and what your pants/skirts/etc look like, and that'll give you an idea of what's going to look good in between. Again, it's your body. You know what feels good and what looks good, and you can have both if you invest the time in finding it. And guess what: your body changes over time, so what wasn't good before may be awesome now. But you HAVE to try it.
3. Don't spend a ton of cash, unless you want to. Sure, you can throw down on some lingerie. But, honestly, most lingerie is meant to be worn for a very short time and then just as quickly taken off. Wearing that crap all day? UNCOMFORTABLE. And if you're about to get down with someone who enjoys seeing you be uncomfortable? That may not be the right person for you right now. I can tell you that I've gotten far more play from when I'm wearing the $4 cotton panties from the Gap than from anything silken, lacy, gartered, or what have you. Again, you can't look sexy if you feel wrong in what you're wearing.
4. Stop being boring. You know, for the most part, the color and pattern of your underpants never shows. So why not wear fun ones? I have a pair that says "DRAMA CLUB" on the butt. I wear it to opening nights at the theatre. I have a pair that speaks French, a pair that's sequined, some with ruffles, some with buttons, in lime green, nautical stripes, black, nude, violet; even a few with condom pockets. Those are fun and useful!* For Pete's sake, have a little fun down there!
5. Out with the old. You know what I mean, because I am SO guilty of this. I don't even know why we hang onto panties that, if they were a pet, we would have mercifully put down long ago. But we hang on to those "three strings and a prayer" garments, because a) we need period panties, and b) we want "bad panties" that we can wear out, as insurance so we don't turn into a slut all of a sudden.
Okay. a) I'm with you. However, you will actually need no more than two pairs of period panties, seriously. And also? Keep track of your cycle. For so many other reasons than your panty schedule. But b)? Come the fuck on, a holey pair of no-longer-tighty-nor-whities is NEVER going to stop you, and you know that, because you've been there.
I know. You aren't even to the point yet that you're sticking your hands down the pants of the cutie you met twelve minutes and two shots prior. Underpants aren't going to make a difference, right? Nope. You start with the good underpants, all the time, even if nobody but you and your dog see it. Because you have to start at the bottom. I mean, how can you even make a single step toward your dream if you're spending the first five minutes picking your bum?
Just get into the habit. Wear good underpants.
* NOTE: The heat of your body breaks down latex and lessens a condom's effectiveness. So the condom pocket is really for when you're pretty much ready to do the do, and not for long-term storage.
I know. Your mother always said to wear CLEAN underwear, in case you got into an accident. Sure, clean underpants are always a good idea, but if your only criteria for underpants is "clean", then we've got a long way to go. Underpants are foundation garments. And, thinking tangentially, one's foundation plays a big part in one's direction, stability, and ultimate longevity.
So, your underpants should be clean, well-made, and befitting of who you are. If you want to have a better, more confident exterior, you gotta start at the bottom. Literally.
1. Find out what type of underpants look good on you. Some people can rock the fuck out of a thong. Some make granny panties look amazing. We have tons of different underwear options because we all have different parts of us to fit. Personally, I'm a low-cut boyshort girl, due to my short torso and enormous booty. This is something I learned after I turned 30. Up until then, girlfriend here was trying hipsters and bikinis , which gave me ridiculous panty lines and tons of uncomfortable moments. I felt so crappy in those panties that I eventually just stopped and went commando. (hey, if commando's your thing, then sashay out with your vajay out, gurl).
2. Make sure your underpants FIT. I mean, how awesome can you be if you're picking out a wedgie, or tucking down the top elastic after they've ridden halfway up your back? Again, look at what your body looks like, and what your pants/skirts/etc look like, and that'll give you an idea of what's going to look good in between. Again, it's your body. You know what feels good and what looks good, and you can have both if you invest the time in finding it. And guess what: your body changes over time, so what wasn't good before may be awesome now. But you HAVE to try it.
3. Don't spend a ton of cash, unless you want to. Sure, you can throw down on some lingerie. But, honestly, most lingerie is meant to be worn for a very short time and then just as quickly taken off. Wearing that crap all day? UNCOMFORTABLE. And if you're about to get down with someone who enjoys seeing you be uncomfortable? That may not be the right person for you right now. I can tell you that I've gotten far more play from when I'm wearing the $4 cotton panties from the Gap than from anything silken, lacy, gartered, or what have you. Again, you can't look sexy if you feel wrong in what you're wearing.
4. Stop being boring. You know, for the most part, the color and pattern of your underpants never shows. So why not wear fun ones? I have a pair that says "DRAMA CLUB" on the butt. I wear it to opening nights at the theatre. I have a pair that speaks French, a pair that's sequined, some with ruffles, some with buttons, in lime green, nautical stripes, black, nude, violet; even a few with condom pockets. Those are fun and useful!* For Pete's sake, have a little fun down there!
5. Out with the old. You know what I mean, because I am SO guilty of this. I don't even know why we hang onto panties that, if they were a pet, we would have mercifully put down long ago. But we hang on to those "three strings and a prayer" garments, because a) we need period panties, and b) we want "bad panties" that we can wear out, as insurance so we don't turn into a slut all of a sudden.
Okay. a) I'm with you. However, you will actually need no more than two pairs of period panties, seriously. And also? Keep track of your cycle. For so many other reasons than your panty schedule. But b)? Come the fuck on, a holey pair of no-longer-tighty-nor-whities is NEVER going to stop you, and you know that, because you've been there.
I know. You aren't even to the point yet that you're sticking your hands down the pants of the cutie you met twelve minutes and two shots prior. Underpants aren't going to make a difference, right? Nope. You start with the good underpants, all the time, even if nobody but you and your dog see it. Because you have to start at the bottom. I mean, how can you even make a single step toward your dream if you're spending the first five minutes picking your bum?
Just get into the habit. Wear good underpants.
* NOTE: The heat of your body breaks down latex and lessens a condom's effectiveness. So the condom pocket is really for when you're pretty much ready to do the do, and not for long-term storage.
The Overview
Good morning, heroes.
If you open your textbook, you have already failed this course. You should have hocked the textbook for beer money, after you've ripped out about 100 pages to write your number on, and used the rest as a paddle on some willing young thing.
So, here we are. The practical, useful lessons one will need to learn in order to become...your own rockstar superhero. You can be a virtuous gospel angel, or a seedy heavy metal vixen. It's your choice, but you should have the background before you make any of those kinds of decisions.
OBJECTIVES:
I. Sack Up Ho
II. Grab It
These are the only two rules you will ever need. These statements often come couched in different language: "Do one thing that makes you afraid", or "go confidently in the direction of your dreams", or "keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars". Any of these. They're cool and all, but I'm a fan of angry brevity in my life-guiding tenets. I mean, when you watch those medical procedure dramas, and something is all life-and-death, you don't hear flowery prose. It's all "200 cc's of HVLCT STAT and get me a portable chest! Charging to 160! CLEAR!" Otherwise the guy dies on the table.
So think of me as your Dr. McGrabIt, and you are NOT going to die on me today, you hear me, ho?
So, without any further ado, we will start with Lesson One, next.
If you open your textbook, you have already failed this course. You should have hocked the textbook for beer money, after you've ripped out about 100 pages to write your number on, and used the rest as a paddle on some willing young thing.
So, here we are. The practical, useful lessons one will need to learn in order to become...your own rockstar superhero. You can be a virtuous gospel angel, or a seedy heavy metal vixen. It's your choice, but you should have the background before you make any of those kinds of decisions.
OBJECTIVES:
I. Sack Up Ho
II. Grab It
These are the only two rules you will ever need. These statements often come couched in different language: "Do one thing that makes you afraid", or "go confidently in the direction of your dreams", or "keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars". Any of these. They're cool and all, but I'm a fan of angry brevity in my life-guiding tenets. I mean, when you watch those medical procedure dramas, and something is all life-and-death, you don't hear flowery prose. It's all "200 cc's of HVLCT STAT and get me a portable chest! Charging to 160! CLEAR!" Otherwise the guy dies on the table.
So think of me as your Dr. McGrabIt, and you are NOT going to die on me today, you hear me, ho?
So, without any further ado, we will start with Lesson One, next.
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