Lesson Five: "Dehydration", "Exhaustion", and other euphemisms for Rehab.

Sometimes, the life, it gets too much. You try to squeeze every little drop out and find that all you've done is nearly put yourself into a coma. And then you get sick. And then you sort of feel better so you dive too quickly back into the craziness and you get even MORE sick. Finally, as you use the sleeve of your crusty sweatshirt to wipe the crud out of your nose for the 46th time that morning, you feel like you've disappointed everyone by needing to take an extended leave of absence to get healthy again. Preferably in a spa with full time nurses and massage therapists and chakra re-aligners and whatnot. Y'know, one of those fancy new age Rehabs that work for a few months and then you're walking into the Chateau Marmont without panties again.

Okay, most of us don't have LA Celebutard money to throw around on Bentleys that will get bounced off a curb or designer dogs that will inevitably be saved from starvation by the Help. But for most of us, there comes a time where we have to balance too much all at once, and it runs us ragged.

So, here are this week's takeaways to avoid a Promises-style "vacation".


1. Get to work on time. Go to the party late.
If you have to choose to spend your hours on working or playing, remember that your job is what gives you the money to party. And, hey, if you need time off to party, that's what vacation days are for. So have even a bit of responsibility and show up on time ready to work, when you gotta work.

As for the party - yeah. Show up late. Always show up late. Really late, if you can swing it. Relax for a bit before going out. Believe me, it's so fun walking into a crowded room of your drunk-ass friends who are excited to know you came to their shindie. Who cares if they don't remember you were there tomorrow? All the more reason to party down with your bad self. Everyone's too hammered to take incriminating pictures that late, so you don't have to hurriedly untag yourself in the morning.

2. If you can't say no, make fake plans and keep them.
I definitely value alone time quite a bit, and don't really have an issue refusing invitations, even if I really want to go. See, here's the thing: there's always going to be another gathering, and everyone's going to be there next time. Mix it up and be a little mysterious. You don't have to tell anyone anything as to why you're not showing up to stuff. It's your time, no need to justify. But if you feel like you need to share, but you don't want to tell the host that you have an awesome evening planned with a hot bath and a bucket of Chinese food, tell them you have a work thing. Or a dinner thing. Or a date. Or any number of other excuses. Keep the excuse boring and don't embellish. Or just fucking sack up and say you're taking a night off and you'll party down next time. If these people are your friends, they know that you're this close to a Winehouseian breakdown, and they'll give you the night off.

3. If you're going through hell, keep going.
There are those times that your calendar is legit full with stuff you can't get out of. If you've cleared out everything that's unneccessary and still find your days are crammed with stuff, then just get through it as best you can. Drink plenty of water. Eat as often as you can, even if it's just a Powerbar and a vitamin water as you're running from one place to the next. SLEEP. Take vitamins, even if you don't normally do so. And know that when you're week or two of hell is over, you are going to be sick. Guaranteed. Give in to it, lay down for a few days, and have someone bring you soup and gatorade. And give yourself at least one full week, hooker.

4. Find your way back.
I have one really hard-and-fast rule, with extremely few exceptions: I always go to sleep in my own bed. It is incredibly rare that I find myself asleep on someone else's couch or floor or bed if I can somehow get my ass home. I do not do the walk of shame. EVER. I always have enough cash for a cab, even if I'm an hour away from my place (I've done it. TRUST). The reasons are simple: Home is safe. Home is health. Home is where I can hang out in my altogethers, chug a quart of water, take a few Advil, eat a banana and come down to an episode of "Sunrise Earth". Home is where I can regroup and start over. You should think the same way of your home. It should be somewhere you want to stay, somewhere you want to come back to. If it isn't, fix it so it is.

So, my little Hilhanshians, remember to work hard, play hard, and rest easy. Keeping the balance is the way to stay amazing. Now go and find someone to take you home.

Lesson Four: Escapade or Escape?

In general, I am one who subscribes to what Dan Savage calls "The Campsite Rule" when it comes to lovers: leave them better than you found them -  no emotional or physical trauma, no disease, no paternity scares. Take nothing but photographs, leave nothing but fond memories.  In the brief, passionate affair arena, this is actually quite easy to do. Your emotions aren't really invested, and two (or more) people who have agreed to a good time while pantsless can make even the stingiest of us turn into givers. When it's time to part ways, whether it's the next morning or a few weekends later, you can keep your wits about you, acknowledge the good time had by all, and go about your business.

I know. But you have emotions, and you want connections, and if this person is good enough to have his/her head in my lady/dudeparts why isn't he/she boyfriend/girlfriend material? Why don't they just call me and tell me they're in love with me and we can be in love forever and MYFEELINGSGODDAMMIT.

That, right there? That's the cray cray coming out. You're taking liberties with another person, and you don't even know them. Listen. If you want to have a forever relationship, I really can't help you, because that's not what I'm about. But what I can do is put you back on track to quit the cray.

Luckily, what helps with the cray is taking control of the mundane things in your life. When you feel that your body is in control of itself, you find that your mind also snaps into place, and helps control yourself as well.

And now, the tips:

TAKE FUCKING CARE OF YOURSELF. 

Every day. If you need three squares and eight hours each day, give that to yourself. If you need quiet time to read or meditate, make sure you've got it. See your doctor, if for no other reason than to get a complete panel of STD tests to make sure you're ready to rumble. If your meatshell is in relatively good working condition, you'll probably do less to fuck that up.

BE PREPARED.

Check your drawers. No, the ones in your bedroom and bathroom. Whatever your preferred method of birth control is, have it handy at all times. And then use it, hooker. Otherwise you're spending another $40 copay at the damn clinic getting another STD panel drawn. That would have been, like, a dozen more condoms and that crazy organic vegan lube.

IF YOU WANT TO, WALK AWAY. IF YOU NEED TO, RUN.

Yes. At some point, a dazzling person such as yourself will encounter someone who, on the surface, seems amazing. And then things start going awry. If you're full up on the cray, you will internalize this and think that it's something you've done that's causing this person to treat you like crap. And if you do a/b/c differently, s/he will respond in kind.

Hmm. Written in black and white right in front of you, can't you see how ridiculous this is? I'm not saying toss out the relationship with the bathwater, but you know if there is a fundamental wrongess with the person with whom you're with. I mean, really. You treat yourself well. You're protecting yourself. You've got on good underwear, people who support you, and your tarot is telling you to Protect Your House. You are fully versed in your own Campsite rules - leave them better than you found them, and they are just not reciprocating. You deserve better than this situation. As Mr. Savage so eloquently puts it, DTMFA.


FOR FUCK'S SAKE. DEFAULT TO HAPPY.

We're all going to be alone at points in our life. All of us. So you're not the only one who isn't paired up. And, OK. Maybe you will be. Maybe you won't. But you need to be happy with who you are, because these toy crises of confidence are so BORING.

I'm not saying you can't change things you don't like about yourself. Absolutely improve what you want, whether it's eating better or joining a gym, changing your hair color, having a spray tan, getting regular mani/pedis, what have you. But know that who you are is more than OK. In fact, it's wonderful. Your life itself, pitfalls and all, is fucking amazing, because you're still in it, you motherfucking rockstar.

Now go out and find your own site to camp in for a while.